TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully out of location. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have A further put where by American Guys can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply everyone a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You already know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from Place, a element getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not simply unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting attention from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have turn-down company."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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